Coffee Calm Connection

036: Accepting What We Can and Cannot Change with Stuart Thompson

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Episode notes

Do you find yourself constantly chasing ‘success’? Do you feel a desire for control over everything that you do? Is it possible to outstep your own thought processes, and if so, how?

We’re thrilled to welcome back anxiety specialist Stuart Thompson for the latest episode of the Coffee, Calm & Connection podcast! In this episode, he explores the prevalent societal desire for control over everything within one’s life, and the damaging consequences of such a mindset. Furthermore, in conversation with Sarah Myerscough, he discusses how the cultural zeitgeist of ‘success’ has been corrupted by superficial ideals, and the importance of prioritizing your personal development.

Quote of the Episode

“I'm always suspicious of people that write five-year and ten-year plans. I'm certainly not where I expected to be five years ago. In fact, I'm doing something completely different most days now to what I thought I'd be doing five years ago. Actually, even since Christmas, my plan has changed. I'm doing different stuff to what I thought I would be doing. Those five-year plans and ten- year plans do feel a bit controlled. If you look at most people that are successful… an awful lot of it was luck.”

Stuart is suspicious of five-year plans as a strategy for achieving your goals. He suggests that these plans are rooted in the projection both outwardly and inwardly of a sense of control over your life that does not, and cannot, really exist. It is impossible to outline five or ten years of your life, and the assumption that you can do so is the result of a desire for control which is both unachievable and unhealthy. Furthermore, these long-term plans feed into a broader cultural narrative about success; namely that anything is achievable with the right amount of hard work. In reality, things can and do go wrong. External factors get in the way of your plans. Buying into this success narrative can be hugely detrimental to your personal wellbeing, as it can lead to the belief that any roadblocks to your success are your own fault, and that you can only be happy when you have reached an arbitrary, superficial benchmark of ‘success’ that will not really bring you contentment.

 

Key Takeaways

Everyone wishes to assert a degree of control over their lives. However, this need for control over everything can be damaging to us, because it is derived from a fiction that everything and anything is within our grasp. Stuart emphasises that a great deal of our stress and dissatisfaction is the result of attempting to exert control over things we cannot change. If and when such things go awry, we may feel that pain personally, as though it were a direct result of our own actions.

You can try to micromanage your life by making meticulous plans, setting numerous goals, following predetermined strategies, but as long as you hang the pressure of external factors you cannot control or change over your head, your stress will not stabilise. Trying to be overly regimented merely lulls yourself into the misguided belief that you can control everything. This mindset is a security blanket, but it can become harmful when you are presented with curveballs or unexpected scenarios.

If, like many people, you have a mindset driven by the achievement of goals, is it possible to address and change that? Is your subconscious belief system malleable? For Stuart, this process must begin by reflecting on what exactly you are chasing via these goals and plans, and to what end you are chasing it. Otherwise, it can become really difficult to feel content. ‘Success’ on a superficial, goal-oriented basis always slides. Once you have achieved one thing, you will simply move onto the next. Instead, you should consider, what do you really want to get out of things? What fulfilment will those things bring to your life? For the most part, fulfilment is not achieved with money or power, but achieving a connection with others.

Thus, to begin to change your mindset, ask yourself ‘am I okay’? Furthermore, treat yourself with the same kindness that you would other people. If you can’t do that, that must be the first mission in your personal development.

 

Best Moments/Key Quotes

“I think, in the 90s, this concept of goals and targets and outcomes became very fashionable. But actually, they owe more to evangelical religious beliefs than they do to personal development. They're really very much focused on ‘achieve your goals, hit your outcomes’, but there isn't much personal development science behind that. There's much more about guilting yourself into success.”

“Happiness isn't in the goal. It's in the striving towards the goal. It's in doing the activity, it's in doing the thing you enjoy. But we've been sold, I think, a marketer's dream, that we've all got to retire at 30. And that, if we've not achieved that, we're failing a little bit. But actually, most people don't get that. Most people don't achieve that. It's just a very, very wonky metric, but it's become very much our culture.”

“Read a few less self-help books. Because they tend to be written by people that want to sell books, not necessarily people that want to make a massive difference.”

 

Resources

https://www.stuartthompson.co.uk/

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

 

About the Guest

Stuart Thompson is an anxiety specialist, and started his career working as a social worker. He has been a therapist in private practice for 20 years. Stuart is the creator of The STILL Method: a system designed to help both children and adults overcome anxiety. Stuart leads a team of around 50 anxiety coaches working in schools in the UK, USA, and Australia. In 2019, Stuart was recognised one of the most influential disabled people in the UK.

 

About the Host

Sarah Myerscough is the Sales and Marketing Director of Boston Tullis Group and the M.D and creator of Coffee, Calm and Connection.

 

Connect with Sarah

https://www.instagram.com/coffeecalmconnection/ 

https://www.facebook.com/coffeecalmconnection 

(9) Coffee Calm & Connection: Overview | LinkedIn

(9) Sarah Myerscough | LinkedIn

 

Hosted by Sarah Myerscough

DISCLAIMER

The views, thoughts and opinions expressed in this podcast belong solely to the host and guest speakers. Please conduct your own due diligence.

Website: Coffee Calm & Connection (coffeecalmconnection.org)