Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

#1242 - The Liking Gap

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Episode notes

The Liking Gap: Why Your Kids Are More Likable Than They Think


Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking you totally bombed it—only to find out later that the other person actually liked you? This “liking gap” is more common than you think, especially in kids. In this Doctor’s Desk episode, Justin and Kylie explore fascinating new research about why we often underestimate how much others enjoy our company. They share insights from a large study on self-esteem, anxiety, and likability, and unpack what it all means for our children and their friendships. Plus, a personal story about Kylie’s first meeting with Justin’s mum that perfectly illustrates how wrong our first impressions can be.

KEY POINTS:

  • The liking gap is the psychological tendency to believe others like us less than they actually do.

  • Low self-esteem and high social anxiety can amplify this gap, especially in children and teens.

  • Real-world data shows most people are more accepted and liked than they realize.

  • Kylie shares a vulnerable story about feeling disliked by Justin’s mum—which turned out to be the opposite of the truth.

  • Kids need to feel safe, heard, and valued in their interactions to close the liking gap.

  • Teaching children to focus on quality interaction over perceived popularity helps reduce relational anxiety.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“Your child walks away from interactions feeling like they’ve bombed—when in reality, they’ve probably scored and they don’t even know it.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

  • Study by Sugani, Sarah et al. at the University of Toronto on self-esteem, anxiety, and the liking gap

  • Misconnection by Dr. Justin Coulson – insights from teenage girls on friendships

  • Visit happyfamilies.com.au for additional resources

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

  1. Normalise the Liking Gap: Help your child understand that it's common to underestimate how much others like us.

  2. Boost Their Confidence: Support self-esteem by validating their feelings and encouraging their voice at home.

  3. Assume Positive Intent: Teach your kids to give others the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to negative conclusions.

  4. Shift the Focus: Encourage your children to concentrate on meaningful interactions rather than worrying about how they're perceived.

  5. Model Vulnerability: Share your own stories of mistaken assumptions about being liked to show they're not alone.

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